Because I Love You
by H2289
Summary: Friendship, angst, hurt/comfort and for course romance. A look in on McSwarek in the future.
1. Chapter 1

_I must be crazy because I'm starting a new story when I'm already having trouble keeping up with the ones I have! I had planned on finishing this one before I posted it but it's not happening and I couldn't wait to post it. _

_This was started before 3x 10. I don't own Rookie Blue or Ben Bass._

* * *

"Mommy don't cry." The sound of little Jordan Swarek's voice made Andy jump, she hadn't even heard him entered the room. It only felt like a couple of minutes ago that she put him down for his nap but looking across the room at the clock she saw it was over an hour ago. He climbed onto his Mom's knee brushing away her tears. Her heart broke when his hand touched her face, no child should have to see their mother like this but sadly it wasn't the first time. She loved all her children equally but Jordan held a special place in her heart. He seemed wise past his years and always knew when someone was upset.

At 2 and half he was the spitting image of his father right down to his little dimples. Despite his looks he very different from his father, he was very quiet and always studied a situation before acting. Andy couldn't help but wonder if this was the result of his family, it couldn't be easy for him to keep up with his 3 older siblings. All 3 had a mixture of their parents looks, and their personalities. Oliver often joked how it the Swarek's were like a hurricane.

Gently rocking her son she ran her fingers through his hair. She should be making her son feel safe and secure yet here he was doing it for her. Jordan didn't think before putting others before himself and was happiest when the people around him were happy.

"I miss Daddy" he looked up his mother with his deep brown eyes.

Andy kissed her sons forehead. "I have good news then baby; he is going to be home for dinner tonight." She made a mental note to remind Sam of his promise when she arrived at the station for her shift. Since having children Sam had given up his dream of under cover work instead becoming a detective. Boyd hadn't been willing to give up on Sam that easily instead working out a deal so he could still do work some work for Guns and Gangs. Despite the fact that he was still based at 15th and she was cop herself Andy didn't really have a clean idea what he did. He was often going out for secret meetings with undercover agents but promise Andy that he was in no more danger then if he was working on the streets. "Mommy has to get ready for work. Do you want to help her?"

Jordan nodded his head getting up and taking her hand. They went upstairs into the bathroom where Andy picked him up and sat him on the vanity. Splashing some cold water on her face, she tried to hide the fact that she been crying. While her face dried she pulled her hair into a tight braid. Looking at her reflection in the mirror she smiled when she saw a face the reminded her of her younger self, back before kids when she just a rookie trying to find her way. It was funny how she still felt like that now but for totally different reason.

"Is Izzy coming?" questioned Jordan breaking her train of thought.

"Yes she is and she told me she is bring a surprise for a certain someone" she touched the end of his nose. Andy and Sam tired to work opposite shifts so one of them was always for the kids but there was normally a couple of hours that both where at work. Both Andy's parents normally looked after the kids one day each a week and Izzy Shaw covered the rest. Izzy was studying full time and living in her own apartment so was happy to get any work she could.

Now that her face was dry Andy put a little bit of make up on. She always wore at least basic makeup when she left the house, it may her feel a little bit more prepared to take on the world.

Jordan jumped off the vanity when he heard a knock on the door. Running downstairs he waited for his Mom to come open the door. As soon as he could get through the door he jumped into Izzy's arm. "Hey little man!" said Izzy. She was rewarded with a huge smile as she jingled him and her bags somehow managing to get everything inside in on go. Setting him down on the couch she turned to Andy. "Hi Andy how are you today?"

"Good" she replied praying that Izzy hadn't noticed her red eyes. They had became close since Izzy had been spending so much time at the house, almost like sisters, but Andy wasn't ready to talk about this. "I better get going I have a couple of things to do before my shift. The kids will be home after school and Sam should be home at 5" she sighed looking at her son on the couch.

Izzy knew straight away what that sigh meant. It didn't matter how much Andy tired to hide it, it was obvious what was going on in the household. Even though it was years ago she still remembered going through it with her own parents. The signs were all there. Being the daughter of a cop she understood how these things work. No body wanted to admit there was a problem until it was at breaking point. "Don't worry Andy I'm prepared. I have enough study to keep me going until you or Sam get home. Now go to work, everything here will be fine" she smiled at Andy.

"Mommy" whispered Jordan from the couch. Andy walked over to the couch sitting down next to him. "Don't be sad ok? And be care of the bad guys" he kissed her forehead just as she had done to him before.

Andy felt her heart ache in her chest. Sometimes it was hard to believe that this was her baby and that he was only 2 years old. "Mom is always careful, you don't have to worry about me. Be good for Izzy and Daddy will be home before you know it." She gave her son a final kiss good bye before leaving the house.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking out of the changing room Andy made her way to the D's office. She groaned internally when she saw who was sitting at Sam's desk. For a second she thought of walking off but she really did need to talk to Sam. "Boyd what are you doing here?"

Hearing her voice Boyd looked up from the papers he was going through. Because of Sam he had to spend more time at 15th then he wanted to so he might as well make the most of it. "McNally! Is that the way you greet an old friend?" he smirked knowing that it would wind her up.

He got the bite he wanted straight away. "It's Swarek now." She had chosen to change her name when they got married. There had been a few times it had been confusing at the barn but since they didn't normally work together it wasn't a problem. "And we aren't friends. Have you seen my husband?"

"Sammy? Yea might have seen him round" Boyd tapped his pen on the desk looking up at her. Many things might have changed over the last few years but Boyd's hate for Andy hadn't. After Sam's cover was blown Boyd had been held responsible and stripped of all his responsibilities. It was only his seniority that had kept him on the force and it taken him a long time to get back to where he had been.

"Forget it" she left the room. Taking her seat at the back of the parade room she pulled out her phone. _Don't forget you're having dinner tonight with your_ _kids tonight_ sending the message to Sam she put her phone back in her pocket.

"Ready for another day on the streets Swarek?" asked Oliver coming in and sitting down next to her. When they weren't training Rookies she and Oliver were partners.

"You know it" she replied forcing herself to smile. There had been a lot of changes at the station but Oliver had chosen to stay on the streets. He had worked hard to get his marriage back on track and move back in with his family. About 3 months later they had surprised everyone by announcing Zoe was pregnant. Oliver Shaw Junior, known as Ollie, was born later that year finally completing their family. "Have you seen Sam today?"

"Nup haven't been here long though. Is there a problem?"

Andy shook her head. "Just want to remind him that he promised the kids he would be home for dinner tonight."

"Don't worry I'm sure he will remember."

"I hope so because otherwise there is going to be one sad little boy." The last bit was little more of a whisper as Frank took his place at the front of the parade room. Oliver put his hand on her back unable to say anything more. This wasn't the first time they had a discussion and he knew it wouldn't be the last. Oliver knew that Sam was a good guy but lately work had been getting in the way more and more. He had tried talking to him about him but Sam didn't really see it. Oliver sighed as finally started listening to the shifts assignments.

* * *

Pulling into the driveway Andy felt her anger grow inside her when she didn't see Sam's car. It had been a busy shift so even though she hadn't had a reply to her message she hadn't had time to call him. When she arrived back at the station, 30 minutes after she was meant to, she had taken it as a good sign that he wasn't there. Pulling out her phone she saw that she still didn't have an messages from Sam. Before opening the door she took a deep breath to control herself.

Quietly making her way into the house Andy saw that Izzy was barely awake sitting on the couch watching TV. "Hi Andy" said a very sleepy Izzy.

"Hey Iz" replied Andy sitting down on the couch, glad to finally be off her feet. "Did he come home at all?"

"No. I hope you don't mind but I gave the kids an ice-cream after dinner."

Andy sighed, she wasn't surprised but more pissed off. She had lost couple of how many promises Sam had made to the kids in the couple of months. "No it's ok, at least it would take their little minds off the fact that their Dad wasn't home. I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

Moving herself to get comfortable she looked over at Andy. "It's ok. Is everything ok with you?"

Before Andy could answer the front door opened and in walked Sam. "Hi Izzy" he said before bending down and kissing Andy. "How was your shift babe?"

"Long. I have to take Izzy home" Andy got up picking up her keys before heading out the door. Sam looked at Izzy who shrugged before following Andy. Getting into the car she looked over at Andy. "My dad could have picked me up."

Starting the car Andy shook her head. "It's ok Iz. He had a long shift."

"So did you." Silence filled the car as Izzy waited for Andy to say something. Even though she didn't say it she knew that Andy had offered to take her home because she didn't want to deal with Sam. "Is everything ok with you and Sam?"

"Not really" whispered Andy as a single tear fell down her cheek. It was the first time that she had actually said it out loud and the words stung. Since her mother walked out all she had wanted was a real family. Now that she had it, everything was falling apart around her.

"Do you want to talk to about it?" Izzy asked softly.

"Not really." Andy pulled in the Shaw's driveway, stopping the car before turning to look at Izzy. "Were the kids upset he didn't show up for dinner?"

"Yes" she replied honestly before adding "but it didn't last long when I told them they could have ice-cream."

Rubbing her hands around the steering Andy let out a sigh. "I hate that this affecting them. When I found out I was pregnant with Sasha I promised myself that my kids would never have to deal with their parents problems. I had to do it and it wasn't fair..."

"Everyone knows you are a good Mom Andy but you need to think about yourself. You owe it to your kids to be happy."

"But I have to put my kids first. You remember how it felt when your dad left..."

"Your thinking of leaving him?" interrupted Izzy. She knew things were bad but she had no idea they were that bad.

Andy shrugged as she stared blankly out of the windscreen. "I don't know. Honestly I have no idea what I'm going to do." She paused before looking back at Izzy.

"Sorry I shouldn't be dumping all this on you. Thank you for tonight."

"I'm here if you need to talk." She gave Andy a little smile before getting out of the car.


	3. Chapter 3

Andy drove round a bit before she went back to the house. Her thoughts drifted to when she first found out she was pregnant. Her and Sam's relationship was going so well but she had no idea how he would react to the news. They had talked about kids before but it had always been one day which wasn't so soon. They weren't living together but spent most of their time together so it didn't take him long to work out something was up. When she finally broke down and told him, he scooped her up in his arm's swinging her round. She still remembered the relief when he told her how fantastic it was. Sam was there every step of the way for her even moving in with the next day. They made it official when she 6 months along followed by a short but romance honeymoon.

Their first child Sasha Swarek was born two weeks early to very proud parents. Sam had taken great pride in showing her off to everyone. She smiled as she thought of how many hundreds of photos they had of a new born Sasha, just because her parents were so amazed by everything she did. Sam had been the perfect father doing everything even though he was working full time.

When Sasha was just 4 months old Andy found out she was pregnant again. This time she told Sam start away who was just as excited as the first time around. Their excitement was phased a little at their first scan when they found they were having twins. Neither could quite believe that they were going to have 3 children under 13 months old. The next few months were busy in the Swarek household as they found a new house, pack, moved, prepared for the two new arrivals all while looking after little Sasha.

Everything was ready just in time for the arrival of Katherine (Katie) and Ryan Swarek. Having 3 children was hard work but Sam and Andy tackled it as a team. They were no longer partners on the job but everyone knew how they balanced each other out. It was clear to everyone that their children were the centre of their world. Andy spent hours looking at her children trying to work out who they looked more like but it seemed to change to every day. As they grew she started to notice that they had their own little personalities yet they were so much like their parents.

When the twins just over a year old they decided that their family wasn't yet complete. Unlike the first two 'surprises' this time it took them 6 months to get pregnant. Andy had joked that maybe it was the universe trying to tell them that they were crazy. Sam told her she just needed to relax and enjoy it. When Jordan was born there was no question as to who he looked like. If you put a baby photo of Sam next to one of Jordan even Andy couldn't tell you which was which.

Her angrier, sadness and confusion grow inside her until finally she knew that she had to go home. Driving round thinking back on happier times was helping the solution that she now found herself in. Arriving back at the house Andy went straight upstairs. She could hear Sam moving around down stairs but right now she didn't want to deal with him. She was pissed off with him for what he had done to the kids, not just tonight but every time he made a promise only to break it. She resented his job, the fact that it came before her family and of course Boyd.

Removing her jewellery she then changed into her pyjamas before going into the bathroom. Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs she knew Sam was now in their room so she took her time washing removing her makeup and brushing her teeth.

Looking at herself in the mirror she prayed that Sam was asleep. Every time they talked lately it seemed to end up in an argument and she was exhausted.

Walking into the bedroom Sam was sitting up in the bed with just the bedside lamp on. It was obvious that he was waiting for her as he watched her make her way into the bed. "Hi, feel like I haven't seen you for ages" he took her hand, lightly rubbing it with his thumb.

"It's because you haven't" she pulled her hand away. "You haven't seen you kids either. Did you even remember that you were meant to have dinner with them tonight?"

Sam sighed. "Andy don't be like that. You know I would have been here if I could."  
"It doesn't matter what I know, it's about your kids. All they know is their Dad wasn't here for dinner like he said he would be."

Moving himself to face her, he reached out touching her arm. "I will make it up to them tomorrow ok? I'll explain that Daddy had to catch the bad guys and then I will spend some time with them. Right now I was hoping that we could make the most of our time alone." His fingers fanned out on her arm as he leant forward placing a tender kiss on her shoulder.

Andy jerked herself away jumping out of the bed. "You really want to have sex right now Sam! We haven't spent any time together in the last I don't even remember how long and you want to have sex!" Sam stayed silent unsure what to say to his wife. He knew he hadn't been home as much as he should but he thought that she understood. "Sam I can't do this anymore!" relief washed over her body as she heard herself say the words. She couldn't look at him, she couldn't bear to see the look on his face.

"What?" His voice gave away his shock.  
"I can't do this anymore. I can't unhappy… I can't be in this marriage anymore" her voice wavered at the last bit.

"Andy look at me" he pausing waiting for her eyes to work their way back to his. "How can you say that? One fight and you want to split up?"  
""You haven't been in this marriage for a long time and the fact that you think it's only one fight shows that! I have been unhappy for a long time Sam. I have tried and tired but I can't don't it anymore."  
"What are the kids Andy? You said you never wanted them to feel like you did as a kid."

"My kids will always know that I love them." she stopped for a moment. "Don't you think this is effects them as well? They deserve to be happy."  
"They are happy! They are happy with both their parents living in the same house" he gasped for air as his eyes filled with tears. In all the time she had knew him Andy could count the time on two hands that she had seen him cry. Something inside her told her to comfort him so that's what she did. Sam was surprised when she got onto the bed pulling him into a hug but something inside him told him not to let go. "Andy please don't do this…" he begged holding onto her tight.

"I have to Sam. I'm not happy and I can't do it anymore." Andy could feel herself tearing up not, and she knew how easy it would beto take back her words. Just as she was about to open her mouth again she stopped. It may make right now easier but that would mean going back to feeling the same the next day and that was something that she couldn't do.  
"Do you still love me?" Sam voice was barely audible, if they weren't so close she wouldn't have even heard it.

Nodding against his shoulder, tears fell down Andy's cheeks. Of course she loved him but even that didn't seem to matter right now. "Some times love isn't enough…"  
Sam pulled back suddenly getting out of the bed. It broke Andy's heart to see the hurt on his face. "Fine" he grabbed his jeans pulling them on not looking at her.  
"What are you doing?"  
"I'm leaving just like you wanted me to" he spat back. His hurt was starting to anger and he needed to get out of there before he did something stupid.

"Sam I didn't mean you had to leave tonight."

"Staying isn't going to change anything." With that he left the room. Andy listened as he walked down the stairs then out the front door as she collapsed onto the bed in tears.


	4. Chapter 4

"Mommy get up!" Rolling over Andy came face to face with Sasha. The little girl was sitting on the bed as close as she could to her Mom without actually being on top of her. Andy had cried into her pillow for hours after Sam left finally falling asleep in the wee hours. Telling Sam she wasn't happy was one of the hardest things that she ever had to do but deep down she knew it was the right thing to do.

"Mom we are hungry and I can't reach the cereal" Sasha tried again, leaning in even closer to her Mum.

It took Andy a second to realise what her daughter had said, she had never been a morning person and she hadn't even have a coffee yet. Rubbing her eyes she knew she had to get up and take care of her babies. "Ok sweetie. Mom is just going to use the bathroom and I will come get you breakfast ok?" Sasha nodded jumping off the bed and running back down the stairs.

In the bathroom Andy splashed water on her face before looking in the mirror. Her eyes were red and swollen, her hair all over the place. All she wanted to do was crawl back into bed but a scream downstairs reminded her she had to get on with it.

"What's going on here?" questioned Andy, walking into the kitchen while still pulling her hair into a bun.

"Nothing Mommy" replied Katie even though all four kids had a guilty look on their faces. Standing by the counter they all looked at each other before moving towards the table. Shaking her head Andy decided to leave it at that as she got the cereal and the bowls out.

"Where is Daddy?" asked Ryan as he sat down at the table.

"At work already" answered Andy quickly as she placed the bowls on the table. Moving round the table she picked Jordan up placing him into his booster chair.

"He always working" moaned Ryan. "He was meant to play ball with me today."

"Yea" piped up Jordan, just happy to get a word in around his brother and sisters.

Andy sighed. Kids were always full of questions and her kids were no different. "There are lots of bad guys out there for Daddy to catch."

"But you catch bad guys too Mommy and you don't work all the time!" Sasha always had all the answered.

Another sighed escaped from Andy as she poured milk into the bowls before placing one in front of each of the kids. "Eat you breakfast Mom is going to have a shower" she said choosing not to answer Sasha. Normally when she had work she would have been showered and ready before the kids got up but today wasn't like every other day.

Turning on the shower Andy knew the kids would probably be getting into trouble downstairs but she could deal with that later. As much as she loved them, the less time she had to spend with them this morning the better. They didn't know what was happening between her and Sam but their questions still hurt.

Stepping into the water she let it run over her body. It was so hot she could see her skin turning red yet she felt nothing. Instead of turning the temperature down she just stood there lost in her own world. She had no idea how to break the news to her kids that Sam wasn't living with them anymore. They would of course ask her where he was and a lot of other questions that she didn't know the answers to. She had promised herself that her kids would never have to go through this. Her kids were meant to have it better then her. They were meant to have two parents that loved each other and wanted to be around each other. Their parents were meant to an example for how their future relationship should be. Happy and helpful.

She had woken up one day and her mother was gone. Her father couldn't cope and it meant her life had never been the same. She had to be the adult in her house. It had been up to her to make sure there was food in the house, to make her father went to work so they had money and she even paid the bills. Her childhood was lost the moment her mother left. The choice that her mother had made all those years had made her the person that she was today. It scared Andy that the choices she and Sam made right now could affect their children for a life time.

After standing there for 10 minutes Andy finally washed herself then turned the shower off. Drying herself off she got dressed before going downstairs to assess the damage. "Mommy!" giggled Katie running up to her Mom. "Granny is here!"

"Hi Mom" smiled Andy as she saw her sitting on the couch. Her Mum and her had became close ever since she had found out she was pregnant. Andy may never understand the choice her mother had made all those years ago but she had forgiven her and together they had built a trusting relationship. Andy noticed the bowls were gone from the table and everything else seemed to be one piece.

"Hi Andy. I was surprised when the kids said you were in the shower" said Claire as she tickled Jordan.

Straight away Andy knew her Mom could tell something was wrong but she knew she wouldn't say anything in front of the kids. "Ar yea I was running a bit late this morning." Andy couldn't even look at her Mom as she said the words.

"I though Sam would be here this morning?"  
"He is at work Granny!" answered Ryan with a frown on his face. "He is always working."

Sasha rolled her eyes. "Mommy told you there's lots of bad guys to catch."

"Ok ok how about we say good bye to Mom and then upstairs to get dressed" cut in Claire, sensing that her daughter could use a break. "We can talk later" she whispered to Andy.

"Thanks Mom" she managed before she grabbed her bag and slipped out the front door without the kids noticing.


End file.
